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A couple weeks ago I was reading a blog post by the presbyqueerian. Here's one of my fav lines
Maybe that’s it, saying “I prefer she” simplifies my journey with the sex and gender I have, that somehow I am at peace with the sex I’ve been given and the gender I was raised to have.Beautiful.
But the thing is - this thoughtpiece was prefaced by these words, "Every time I am in a space with enough politically correct consciousness to ask participants in the conversation, group, meeting,what have you, to state their name and pronoun preference. . . " For some reason, this did not sit with me well. and it still doesn't. and I think i have come to get a grip on a little bit of it.
and so the thing is. I was thinking.
I feel more pressure and feel more policed by those "politically correct counscious" people than I think i should. This weekend I walked into a space full of transandgenderqueer folks and instead of breathing a sigh of relief that "phew, now i can wear whatever i want and feel like I can be who i want to be," I, instead, felt "oh fuck, if i want to be understood and perceived in a way that mirrors the way i feel inside than i better not wear the asshugging jeans and instead go the more 'boyish' route." it was panic to present myself.
there's this expectation that folks who think and look like you and agree with you should allow you to be who ever you'd like to be. there is this expectation that being politically conscious means being accepting and welcoming.
i'd like it if it really felt that way.
talking with another gendertranscender at the conference, the person echoed how i felt. Ze said that ze had felt similar pressure to present "extra" genderfuck-ing that morning to prove hirself amongst the others - this meant wearing two sportsbras and a binder to be flatflatflat. and ze had achieved it. "but now i can't breathe. . . "
and thats what its come down to.
somehow feeling secure and empowered in your gender presentation and the ability to please the other folks in your identity group must equal pain. more restrictions - just another brand.
somehow i fear the scorn of queersandgenderqueers more than i care what the rightwing has to say about me.
somehow i feel that i have just entered another category to push myself around into and allow myself to be pushed around by what i think others expect of me.
when did community stop looking like love and acceptance for each other?
3 comments:
I understand your feelings behind this, and why you would feel like this. However, did you prove this theory/idea while you were there? Did you try to walk into a genderqueerfucking space with those asstightjeans and see if anyone rolled their eyes, gawked, gave you the stink eye? (I have seen you in those jeans and they would probably being looking at you not in a judging way but in a omghowdoigetintothosejeans way)
It seems like you found another person who was feeling the same way you were. So what's not to say that a majority of those people were feeling the same way and had someone called them out on it that it would have gotten it out in the open... potentially resolved it.
I don't see why you presenting as a femme, walking down the street, holding your partners hand, kissing her (I am assuming Hannah prefers female pronouns, if I am wrong please correct me) in public is not in it of itself stepping out of the gender boundaries and therefore fucking gender. I mean how much out of or in between these gender norms does one have to be to self identify as afuckinggenderqueer? (ps I really like the way you run words all together I am totally stealing it)
I assume that each one of those folks at the conference could give you their personal definition for what/who/how a genderqueer person is, but who is to say that they are right and you are wrong? No one can truly put a definite/absolute definition on an identity. What is the definition of a man? and who came up with it? and must one fit every aspect to claim the identity? How many of the aspects would a female bodied person have to fit in order for her to claim the identity? So I basically just rambled on because I don't want to work and I don't know how to wrap this up, but hopefully I gave you some things to think about or at least laugh at me about :D
<3
thanks singlelady.
i think you are right about a lot of those things. and i think that we are probably in agreement about a lot of them. there are multiple ways that we queer folks transcend gender, yes, and you hit those definitely.
I guess what i am comparing my "genderqueered" experience and my "femmed" experience. Often I think I felt less queer and less visibly queer, at that, when I was femmed up compared to being genderqueered.
i think it has to do with whether or not people perceived me as straight and/or not queer enough.
i think i was trying to hit on the heirarchy of "who is queer enough," "who is genderqueer enough," "who is trans enough," etc and so forth.
sometimes it feels like a heirarchy. and one that is not so inclusive.
and this was just meant to be a glimpse of what that feels like sometimes.
you hit the nail on the head, jb. i have thought all of these things over and over again even when it didn't feel ok to think them.
now it does :)
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