femme is a gender queer identity.

at the transcending boundaries conference this weekend I had a lot of time to think about the boundaries of gender. the ways in which we transcend them, think we transcend them, and/or have simply changed the boundaries without really transcending anything.

and I have some thoughts.

it was the first time that I was able to talk about my self and my identity as a genderqueer person. but as i sat there, in the ballroom amongst other genderfuckertransfolkpolypanbeautifulpeople,
I realized that it was only the label that changed and not me.

The thing is that I have always felt like my gender was part of something greater than "girl," i realized the joke that gender is always playing on us, and that moving in and out of those boundaries was a comfortable place for me to be - in between.

At the conference, there was quite a strong contingent of genderqueers, and/or visible gender fucking. Why is it that I have only allowed myself to identify as genderqueer now? When I say genderqueer I mean, those who fuck gender and those who are unrestrained by gender binaries. But when I was more often identifying with femme, and strong femme at that, I would not dare to take that genderqueer nametag. Afraid to be scoffed at, gawked at, or, even, to raise an eyebrow.

hmmm.

In my experience, genderqueer has become something that folks claim by either presenting anything other than the proscribed gender identity associated with their private parts (think female bodied, masculine/andro/anything-other-than-femme-or-fem presenting folks).

But as a strong, dom femme, my understanding of myself was still gender "queer." Femme was a costume that I adored (and still do) as a powerful way to present myself. I felt that being femme was a stance, an announcement that gender was a game, and I was going to win (and i will). not much of the strength in my use of gender presentation has changed between femme and genderfuckingqueer, only the words to label them.

is it just me, or has an "either/or" popped up here?

And so I wonder, are we simply changing the names to allow for a "queered-up" version of a gender binary, one that we might have been trying to escape anyhow?

Would a high radical femme of a female bodied body be allowed into a genderqueer-only space, if part of that person's understanding of themselves included genderqueerness?

i think so. but why does it feel like it is not allowed.

It seems the "allowed" categories that we have policed ourselves and each other into include - femme (as one part of a spectrum) and genderqueer on another. Why can't femmes be genderqueers too? Why is it that I waited until i had my boi haircut to feel empowered by genderqueerness, instead of something that I had to hide inside my pushupbraandfakeeyelashes?

If gender really is more than the clothes you wear, more than your hair and your makeup and the way you walk, and who you like to screw and when and how, then what gives?